It’s gratitude season, and being that I identify as both Canadian and American, I get to celebrate Thanksgiving twice. Canadian Thanksgiving just was (October 12) and I have to admit I came by my gratitude in an unusual way. While we can all tick off some of the more conspicuous things to be grateful for, this Thanksgiving was tinged with a sense longing – for people with whom we traditionally celebrate. In fact, more broadly it served as an upsetting reminder of those I can’t see, haven’t seen and likely won’t see when US Thanksgiving rolls around in November.
Let’s be clear – our lives are marked by these types of separations. My own trajectory took me away from home as a young student. My husband – for as long as we’ve been together – has travelled for at least 50% of the year. Our families (and friends) are dispersed all over the world. Even as our own kids are coaxed into the world, we eventually spend our days apart from them. I’ve been missing people I love for as long as I can remember!
By caprice or self-protection I stopped counting the separations. Intellect helped me to see the value in distraction, management, the brighter side – about saying not goodbye, but farewell. And indeed we’d soften the blight of periods apart by talking about when we might be together again, scheduling and securing plans. But we can’t quite do that now; there is the distance, restrictions and uncertainty.
This time of not being with ones I love – in the way that I love (to travel to, to sit close, to touch, to embrace, laugh, cry and hold tight) – this touchless experience has me feeling again all the things of really missing – like the separation anxiety of a child: “I love you, and I’m scared I won’t see you again.”
This emotion – call it grief, longing, pining – whether acute as it is now, or more broadly perceived, is always with us. It is in our nature to hold it at bay as it can be a painful one with which to become entangled. But here is where I found my gratitude…
A profound or sorrowful “missing” is the mirror image of love: The depth of our longing is in fact a reflection of the extent of our love and affection for those we miss. In fact remembering what you love, channeling or mimicking what you experience in someone’s presence, even connecting virtually with those people (if possible) becomes the antidote to being apart.
Of course anything that marks a “coming between” – separations, splits, even death – can trigger in us a sense of loss. But on the flip – we only stand to lose if we didn’t already gain. Look to the gain, look at the abundance of love that you miss having by your side. Conjure the glory in the relationships you hold dear, to balance the emotional encumbrance of missing. It’s not the same as the real thing, but like everything now, an iteration: I am grateful for those (not with me) whom I love.
(Please note I have posted to Instagram a complementary meditation on topic. Find it @thedropinproject)